My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
