I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
