No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
