So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize