closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Randomize
