do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Randomize
