I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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