I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
