so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
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