Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
