The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Randomize
