you guys were way drunker than both of me
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
