I didn't shave. On purpose
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
