i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Randomize
