So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
