My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize