if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
