Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize
