i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
third nipple confirmed
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
