How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Randomize
