I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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