My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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