Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize