Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
