It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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