everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
