gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Randomize
