apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
