does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize