What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
