just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
