we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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