After last night, I could never be a politician.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
