You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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