what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
