apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
