Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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