After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
