I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
