She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize