i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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