I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
