No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
