My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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