I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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