1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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