I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Randomize
