I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
