My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
