I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Too much gin, very little bucket
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
