I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize