Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Randomize
