I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize