I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
