Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
