That's when you crack a 10am beer
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
me + whiskey = a bad person
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
