I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
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